Belittling someone else's trauma and turning it around and trying to BLAME them for it is unacceptable. Refusing to even listen to the person explain their trauma and trying to justify why it happened is unacceptable. Just because my mother experienced trauma does NOT justify the trauma she caused me. It might explain it to a point, but it in no way makes it excusable. That's victim blaming. I should have "let go of the hurt"? Is that all it takes to heal from a lifetime of being treated like I didn't matter? That's apparently what my sister thinks.
And somehow I'm to blame for the countless times my mother told me I was dead to her. She seems to think the only time mom did that was well after my divorce and was living on my own and didn't want her to live with me. Nevermind the fact that I didn't want her to live with me because I couldn't handle all the yelling she did.
Ask my stepmom how many countless times I cried in her arms (starting at 19) because my mother had told me I was dead to her. Ask my stepmom how devastated I was after every time. Even when I was married to Jimmy she would randomly get angry and tell me I was dead to her and I'd call my stepmom and bawl like a baby because it HURT every single time. But it's somehow my fault that I couldn't just let it go?
My relationship with my sister just fell apart because I can't and won't sit here and let her blame me and make excuses for how mom treated me. Why is it so impossible to say, "I'm sorry you experienced that from her" and stop there? Why does she feel the need to make it my fault or to justify it. I really don't understand but I'm done trying.
I'm glad she had a better relationship with our mom. I am. Glad and jealous. But I also remember the day I stopped by for a visit after I moved out with a friend. Mom wanted her to do the dishes. My sister wanted to watch General Hospital first. Mom's reaction? She wrapped her hands around my sister's throat and started choking her. I had to physically pull my mother off of her. Mom then screamed at me for not respecting her authority in her home and kicked me out. I was terrified for my sister and embarrassed and mortified because it had happened in front of my friend.
She's mad because I'm sharing what it was like growing up. She said she doesn't want me to taint her daughter's memory of mom, but I honestly think it's more along the lines of her not wanting people to know what it was like growing up. Or maybe, she truly believes it was my fault somehow. I don't know.
I have maintained for years that when the abused stay silent, the abuse wins. It's not sharing it to share it. When someone remains silent it's like "sweeping it under the rug" and most people do that out of shame. They continue to feel like victims (obviously not everyone) and by speaking up they are able to move from victim to survivor. The abused person has no reason to feel ashamed, they didn't do anything wrong, and yet that is what is felt by most. Was mom a monster? No, but she repeated what she knew.
Abuse is a cycle. I'm sure she did what she could to try to stop the cycle as much as she was able. But there was still abuse because it's not going to be eradicated in one generation. I also have done what I could to stop the cycle, and that puts my girls in a better place to continue stopping it, but that doesn't mean I was perfect or even great. I, like mom, have done the best I could. But part of the process is being open about the fact that it happened so we can prevent it from happening again. And I repeat: knowing about someone else's trauma does not ever justify or excuse the trauma they cause.
I'm glad my sister and our mom got to bond and that she was able to heal, but she always had a different relationship with her to begin with that my brother and I never got to experience. Yet she sits there judging me for not fixing my relationship with mom. I wasn't the one to break that relationship and it wasn't on me to fix it. I tried. I tried over and over and over to have a relationship with her.
Every single time she told me I was dead to her I was devastated and cried for hours. And yet, every time she reached back out I tried again only to be heartbroken again when she said I was dead to her again. Even after all of that, I never completely cut her out of my life. I simply distanced myself for my own sanity. I still love her and always will but she broke me and I don't think my sister understands just how bad. I TRIED but I couldn't do it.
Sorry, done venting. This just hurts so unbelievably bad.
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