The Chaos that is Me

 This is my stream of consciousness writing for the day so I can at least say I wrote something today. I hate Mondays! There's always too much to do and not enough time to do it. People are always messaging me asking questions and I can't ignore them because they are relying on me to be there for them but then I'm not able to be there for myself and get my required work done. My boss says I need to work on my time management skills but all the time management skills in the world can't help me if I have too much to do and not enough time to do it in during the day. Everything has to be done before the end of the shift so how do I chose? I don't know. My head hurts, I'm stressed and overwhelmed and I just want to cry and give up and I can't. Some days I just want to quit...but I actually really like my job; I just hate Mondays!  I need a vacation but I can't afford to take time off. I need me time. I need to put me first but I can't. I hate life someti...

I've been thinking about this for a while now and have been writing it all in my head, but it's taken a lot to convince myself to put it down in actual words because I know it's not going to be well received. We're doing it all wrong. The religion of Christianity isn't what Jesus wanted from His followers. Please don't get angry. Let me explain... He was angry with the Pharisees because they weren't true believers. They were religious without heart. They prayed in the streets, in public, to show how righteous they were but they weren't righteous — they were self-righteous —and there's a big difference between the two. Matthew 6:5 NKJV “And when you pray, you shall not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Assuredly, I say to you, they have their reward. I know you don't want to hear this, but Christians (and Christianity) have become the very thi...

Let me say that again, when you have nothing it's hard to accomplish anything. I don't think people realize how true that is...or maybe they do and don't care. Maybe people really only care about how much money they can make and don't care about anyone else. And I get it, it's a dog eat dog world we live in, but as someone who has nothing it sucks. I wrote a children's picture book and it's available on Amazon as an ebook, but it would work much better as a printed book. Why isn't it available as one? Well, because I don't have the money to self-publish it and it's too small to create a print picture book on Amazon. So there it sits, only available as an ebook. I also wrote my memoir and it's also available on Amazon because I don't have the money to self-publish it any other way. This isn't so bad, however, trying to market and promote it is difficult, because I can't purchase anything to promote it. Places like Goodreads offers ...

Belittling someone else's trauma and turning it around and trying to BLAME them for it is unacceptable. Refusing to even listen to the person explain their trauma and trying to justify why it happened is unacceptable. Just because my mother experienced trauma does NOT justify the trauma she caused me. It might explain it to a point, but it in no way makes it excusable. That's victim blaming. I should have "let go of the hurt"? Is that all it takes to heal from a lifetime of being treated like I didn't matter? That's apparently what my sister thinks.  And somehow I'm to blame for the countless times my mother told me I was dead to her. She seems to think the only time mom did that was well after my divorce and was living on my own and didn't want her to live with me. Nevermind the fact that I didn't want her to live with me because I couldn't handle all the yelling she did.  Ask my stepmom how many countless times I cried in her arms (starting a...

Most of you will not read this all the way through and the part you do read will most assuredly fall on deaf ears because your hearts have already been hardened. Of those of you that do manage to read it all the way through, you also will most likely disagree with it because your hearts are also hardened. Knowing that, why am I writing this? Doesn't that mean I'm wasting my time? If even one person reads this and understands and opens their heart, then this isn't a waste of time. I've been sitting with this for days. I've been surprised, confused, and disappointed, but then I realized that this is actually normal for religious Christians throughout history. Realizing that, I'm no longer surprised or confused. I'm only left disappointed. For as long as there has been religious Christians, they have "brought Christ to the world" through conquering and persecution. They have forced other religions to bow down to Christianity or face dire consequences....

Over the last several months I have started coming to terms with one simple fact: I no longer believe in Christianity; if I ever really did at all. However that statement is misleading because a part of me still does and still has questions, but I have a hard time reconciling it all. It's extremely hard to put this into words, this is the religion I grew up with, but I'm going to do my best. I don't broach this topic lightly, it has been weighing on my mind for a very, very long time. I can no longer sit silent with my thoughts so I'm sharing. I don't want to hurt anyone with my words. Words can build bridges but they can also break those bridges down. And while it's important to me to get this off my chest, my biggest fear is hurting those that love me and those that I love. Many people in my life are Christians that I love with my whole heart, and I know that they love me, and I know that they're good people, but I'm not sure how to reconcile what they...