The Chaos that is Me

Let me say that again, when you have nothing it's hard to accomplish anything. I don't think people realize how true that is...or maybe they do and don't care. Maybe people really only care about how much money they can make and don't care about anyone else. And I get it, it's a dog eat dog world we live in, but as someone who has nothing it sucks. I wrote a children's picture book and it's available on Amazon as an ebook, but it would work much better as a printed book. Why isn't it available as one? Well, because I don't have the money to self-publish it and it's too small to create a print picture book on Amazon. So there it sits, only available as an ebook. I also wrote my memoir and it's also available on Amazon because I don't have the money to self-publish it any other way. This isn't so bad, however, trying to market and promote it is difficult, because I can't purchase anything to promote it. Places like Goodreads offers ...

Belittling someone else's trauma and turning it around and trying to BLAME them for it is unacceptable. Refusing to even listen to the person explain their trauma and trying to justify why it happened is unacceptable. Just because my mother experienced trauma does NOT justify the trauma she caused me. It might explain it to a point, but it in no way makes it excusable. That's victim blaming. I should have "let go of the hurt"? Is that all it takes to heal from a lifetime of being treated like I didn't matter? That's apparently what my sister thinks.  And somehow I'm to blame for the countless times my mother told me I was dead to her. She seems to think the only time mom did that was well after my divorce and was living on my own and didn't want her to live with me. Nevermind the fact that I didn't want her to live with me because I couldn't handle all the yelling she did.  Ask my stepmom how many countless times I cried in her arms (starting a...

Most of you will not read this all the way through and the part you do read will most assuredly fall on deaf ears because your hearts have already been hardened. Of those of you that do manage to read it all the way through, you also will most likely disagree with it because your hearts are also hardened. Knowing that, why am I writing this? Doesn't that mean I'm wasting my time? If even one person reads this and understands and opens their heart, then this isn't a waste of time. I've been sitting with this for days. I've been surprised, confused, and disappointed, but then I realized that this is actually normal for religious Christians throughout history. Realizing that, I'm no longer surprised or confused. I'm only left disappointed. For as long as there has been religious Christians, they have "brought Christ to the world" through conquering and persecution. They have forced other religions to bow down to Christianity or face dire consequences....

Over the last several months I have started coming to terms with one simple fact: I no longer believe in Christianity; if I ever really did at all. However that statement is misleading because a part of me still does and still has questions, but I have a hard time reconciling it all. It's extremely hard to put this into words, this is the religion I grew up with, but I'm going to do my best. I don't broach this topic lightly, it has been weighing on my mind for a very, very long time. I can no longer sit silent with my thoughts so I'm sharing. I don't want to hurt anyone with my words. Words can build bridges but they can also break those bridges down. And while it's important to me to get this off my chest, my biggest fear is hurting those that love me and those that I love. Many people in my life are Christians that I love with my whole heart, and I know that they love me, and I know that they're good people, but I'm not sure how to reconcile what they...

How much do you know about chronic pain?  Have you ever experienced it? How long have you had to deal with your chronic pain? I've lost count of the number of years I've had my pain. I'm sure I could tell you if I sat down and really thought about it, but I frequently find it hard to concentrate or even remember things. I'm told this is a side effect of living with chronic pain. I don't know but I can say that when my pain is strong enough, I feel like I'm disconnected from everything around me. It sort of feels like being in a fog. I also feel easily irritated and just  OFF . I don't know how else to explain it.  I was around 14 or 15 the first time I experienced problems with my back.  No, I'm not making that up. Yes, I know that was young to be having back problems. I don't remember much about it. I'm pretty sure it was the summer between eighth grade and ninth but I could be wrong. I woke up in the middle of the night because I needed...

I want to share my story because it's domestic violence awareness month. I'm going to start by saying that domestic violence comes in many forms: man against woman, woman against man, caregiver against child, child against caregiver, even sibling against sibling. While many of these situations are rarely brought up, there are still happening. I had a fairly violent childhood. You might even say extremely violent, I'm not sure to be honest. One of my earliest memories is from when I was three. I had broken my arm and was in the hospital. We lived in Germany because my dad was in the Army. Anyway, while I was in the hospital a man would come in every night and tip the foot of my bed up really high. I remember being so terrified of him but I don't remember what happened to him. I have vague memories of hiding under the table while my mother threw dishes at my dad. They're just small glimpses but they are there. When I was in first grade my mom's cousin cam...