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My journey through religion (questions, thoughts, and current conclusions)

Over the last several months I have started coming to terms with one simple fact: I no longer believe in Christianity; if I ever really did at all. However that statement is misleading because a part of me still does and still has questions, but I have a hard time reconciling it all.

It's extremely hard to put this into words, this is the religion I grew up with, but I'm going to do my best. I don't broach this topic lately, it has been weighing on my mind for a very, very long time. I can no longer sit silent with my thoughts so I'm sharing.

I don't want to hurt anyone with my words. Words can build bridges but they can also break those bridges down. And while it's important to me to get this off my chest, my biggest fear is hurting those that love me and those that I love.

Many people in my life are Christians that I love with my whole heart, and I know that they love me, and I know that they're good people, but I'm not sure how to reconcile what they believe with who they are. And I know that doesn't make any sense, it doesn't make much sense to me either. I'm having a very hard time trying to make sense. But that is why my blog is called "The Chaos That Is Me" My thoughts are often chaotic.

I feel like the Bible teaches one thing but many Christians live by another. It's their way or no way; they are right and everyone else is wrong. But how do we know they're right? I see a large portion of Christianity as intolerant, bigoted, hateful, and cruel. I'm going to try very hard to explain what I mean here further down. Please give me a chance to do so before you react or get upset.

And it's not just Christianity, I'm honestly not trying to be cruel or mean here and I'm not trying to single out Christianity or Christians, but I speak of Christianity here because it is what I specifically grew up with and what I know. 

That said, I feel that It is organized religion in itself that is the problem. Wars and wars are fought over religion, families are torn apart by it, children are abandoned by their parents, parents are ostracized from their children, and I just can't get on board with that anymore.

And it's more than that.

How can a God of love punish someone for the way that they were born? The way that they were created, if you believe in the creation? How can we justify saying that Jesus is the only way to heaven, but then say that babies that die automatically go to heaven because they're innocent, oh but also we're born into sin and therefore we're sinful? How does that make sense? It doesn't make sense to me.

Many of the things in the Bible are extremely outdated and wrong. They had slavery in the Bible. I hope we can all agree that slavery is very, very wrong. But it was okay then. God is all loving but there are stipulations to that love. He is all-knowing, so he knows how things are going to turn out and he allows them anyway. How does a loving God let Hitler exist? The Holocaust? How does a loving God cause the flood, yes I've read the Bible I understand what it said. Yes, I understand the concept of free will, I'm just not sure I completely understand or agree with it.

I'm not looking for anyone to try to answer these questions because I don't believe that the answer actually exists. Not a clear one anyway. They can point to scripture but I could also point to scripture that negates what they say. The Bible was written by man and is influenced by man, and therefore not infallible. 

I'm not against a good debate. I'm just not sure if it would stay civil as religion is an extremely hot-button topic and many people (regardless of faith) find it hard to remain calm and objective when discussing religion.

The Bible says 'judge not that you be not judged' yet many Christians do just that. They're intolerant of others "sins" yet the Bible says everyone sins. "He who is without sin may cast the first stone" yet you see Christians casting the first stone all the time. Especially online. But that is a completely different topic: The internet has caused many people to lose compassion that they would normally show face-to-face.

If you've read my blog before, you've probably seen my post Are you a Christian? Are you really Showing Christ's love? and know that this isn't the first time I've said something about this. If you haven't read it, please do! 

About a year ago, I started researching other pagan mythologies and that led me to start studying Druidry and Wicca and something called DruidCraft (which is basically just a combination of Druidry and witchcraft and/or Wicca). And for those that don't understand let me point out that Wicca and witchcraft are not the exact same thing. You can study witchcraft and not be Wiccan, while most Wiccans also study witchcraft. 

I've spent many months looking into many things and what I've determined is that I believe in a duality. A God and a goddess. I believe that somewhere along the line whoever came up with the Bible, and other man-made religions, for whatever reason, took out the goddess. And things have been unequal ever since. In Genesis 1:26 it states ‭‭'Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”' It is my belief, and I realize that it is just one belief and could be wrong, is that our here is referring to the duality of male and female. I don't believe God was by himself. I believe to have one you must have the other; just as it requires a father and a mother to create a child, I believe that there is a God and a Goddess and together they created the world and everything in it.

A big part of my new journey is about trying to get more in touch with nature. Wars aren't fought over nature, wars are fought over religion. I think religion is a big part of what is wrong with the world today. Too many religions are at war. Too many religions feel that they are the only way and every other way is wrong. But if we get back to nature we get back to peace.

I believe in loving everyone, not judging anyone (as a human I am fallible and do occasionally judge) but I continue to try to be better daily. 

If you haven't already figured it out by my mention of Wicca and druidcraft, I also believe in and practice witchcraft. Please do not get all up in arms and accuse me of devil worship or anything of the like. There is no devil worship in witchcraft, there is no devil in paganism to worship; we simply do not believe in the devil. There is no evil going on at all, contrary to many misconceptions. Allow me to explain to you what it actually is. Every rock, plant, and animal is made of energy. Energy can be rearranged but it cannot be destroyed. 

Witchcraft is simply using your energy and intentions to redirect energy (modify it, reorganize it, etc) to get what you want or desire...many times it works, and many times it doesn't, but there's nothing evil about it. I combine words with incense sometimes herbs or crystals and I focus my intentions on what I want and that is witchcraft. I'm not worshiping a devil or anything evil. If I'm worshipping anything at this point in life it's mostly nature.

Did you know that there's actual witchcraft in the Bible?  In my research, I've been looking into Appalachian folk magic, among everything else, and many of them used Psalms and different aspects of the Bible in their magic and healings. Catholicism definitely uses magic. The Key of Solomon is full of magic. I haven't actually read that but someday I hope to be able to.

Many of the practices in Christianity today were stolen from pagans of the past. In many instances, they co-opted things to make it easier for the pagans to switch over to Christianity. But in other instances, which could be just as many I'm not sure, the pagans were forced to follow Christianity by any means necessary. And this is something else that I have a problem with but that's a discussion for another day and goes back to my issue with revealed religions to begin with.

I hope I did the job of explaining my thoughts as well as I could, but even after reading it myself, I'm not sure how this will be taken. I did not set out to offend anyone here, I was simply trying to express my thoughts and feelings on this topic that has consumed a large portion of my thoughts over this past year and where I am now in my spiritual journey.

Much love to all who read this!

Until next time...


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