The Chaos That is Me...

I know it's been a while, but I've been busy...and by busy I mean taking care of my kids, working, coloring, and reading a lot of fanfiction...I'm also reading a book by Glennon Doyle Melton. It's called "Carry On, Warrior". You should check it out! I've also been spending a lot of time in my head...just thinking and processing...asking myself questions and trying to answer them. 

The biggest question I've been asking myself?

Who am I? I'm just one person out of hundreds of billions. There's really nothing special about me. I don't think I could be called attractive, I'm short, and I'm overweight. You can't call me rich, I don't even think I qualify as middle to low income. Even though I work 40 hours a week, I'm fairly sure I qualify as poor. Like I said, there's really nothing special about me.

So who am I? I am a Christian. I am an Administrative Assistant. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, and a single mom with two beautiful, intelligent young daughters. I am a domestic abuse survivor. I'm someone that has a history of self-harm and an eating disorder (though you wouldn't be able to tell that by looking at me), I'm a person that cares deeply about everyone I meet, I'm a person that continually gives when I have nothing, and I'm a person that cries reading the news because it breaks my heart too much to hide the pain. I am a person that has to close my eyes and look away when a violent scene comes on the TV or in a movie. I am these things yet I am so much more. 

I'm no one. BUT I'm also someone and I have a story to tell. Why would I want to share my story? I want to share it because it's a part of who I am. I want to share it because it weighs on my mind most of the time and because I want people to know that even though they feel like they are nothing; they matter. I want to show people that just because we live through situations that can tear us apart we don't have to let them succeed. Also, I guess I want to share my story because I want to feel like I matter. Which is something that I don't often feel...

Why would you want to read my story? I honestly don't have the answers to that question. I think that is something you'll have to decide on your own. Maybe you'll decide to read it out of curiosity. Maybe your reasons for reading will be similar to my reasons for wanting to share it. Who knows? Maybe someone will recommend it to you, then again, maybe they won't...

So where should I start in this story of mine? Do I start at the beginning? What is the beginning? It's hard to decide because most of the time my thoughts are not linear...they're chaotic; a random conglomeration of information running through my consciousness. To be honest, it sometimes makes it hard to share them with others because I end up leaving things that I really wanted to say out. That's why I named my blog "The Chaos That is Me..." It's also why I decided to name this the same thing.

Who am I? It's a question I keep asking myself. We spend a lot of time trying to decide who we are. Or at least I think we do. I know I do, anyway... I am a domestic abuse survivor. I keep saying this because it's important to me. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I keep going, I keep fighting, and I refuse to give in. I am a survivor! You can't see my history when you look at me. You wouldn't know my story unless I told you. I look just like everyone else...and this thought leads me to ask another question.

How well do you really know the people around you? Take a moment to think about it. Take a moment to let the question really sink in before you answer.

So, how well do you know them? I'd wager that you don't know them as well as you think you do. I'd bet you know them about as well as they really know you...

“But my friends know me really well” Do they? I mean do they really? Are you sure there’s nothing you hide from them? I’ll bet there is. Are you sure you tell them EVERYTHING? I’m willing to bet you don’t. 

How do I know this? It’s simple: we all wear masks. We show different people different facets of our true selves but we rarely (if ever) show everything about us. Maybe we're afraid of rejection, maybe we're afraid of being labeled, then again maybe we don't know how. 

We are all actors. We put on different masks depending on who we are around. Your parents see one mask, your siblings see another, and your coworkers see a completely different mask than your parents and siblings. Your friends see varying degrees of different masks; casual friends see one, close friends see another, best friends see more than anyone else but they still don't see the whole picture. I'm not even sure we see the whole picture when we are alone and looking at ourselves...

Take celebrities for example. There are a lot of fans out there that are convinced they know their favorite celebrity because they've watched all the YouTube videos they could find, they follow them on Twitter and maybe even got a "like" from that celebrity to a tweet or two. They spend the money and go to conventions to meet their favorite celebrity. They've done this countless times! They obviously know a lot about him or her...I'll admit that I sometimes find myself falling into this but then my pessimistic self (or is it realistic...or even pragmatic?) remembers that it's just a mask, just part of the illusion. The part of them they show us is only a fragment of who they really are; even the ones that are very open with who they are, are still playing a part. 

Why are they playing a part? Because, just like us, they are human. They wear the same kind of masks we do. They have the same insecurities we have. They just have more people watching than we do.

But this doesn't make them more important than you are or I am...

We are ALL here for a moment of time and we will all die. We will all just be memories.  Depressing, I know, but it's true.

The good news? 

We are also important! Each and every one of us are IMPORTANT to someone! Each and every one of us MATTERS! YOU MATTER! I MATTER!

And because I matter, I want to tell my story. I want it out there for people to see. For people to see me. The real me. Though, to be honest, some days I'm not even sure if I know the real me...so maybe, just maybe, while I tell my story I will find out who I really am.

And so, I'm going to share my story, bit by painful bit and I hope someone reads it but even if you don't, I'm going to tell it; for me.

Here's a little bit of who I am →  Who Am I? I am a Survivor!

I'd love to hear from you, so please leave a comment!

And remember #BeKind