The Chaos that is Me

How much do you know about chronic pain?  Have you ever experienced it? How long have you had to deal with your chronic pain? I've lost count of the number of years I've had my pain. I'm sure I could tell you if I sat down and really thought about it, but I frequently find it hard to concentrate or even remember things. I'm told this is a side effect of living with chronic pain. I don't know but I can say that when my pain is strong enough, I feel like I'm disconnected from everything around me. It sort of feels like being in a fog. I also feel easily irritated and just  OFF . I don't know how else to explain it.  I was around 14 or 15 the first time I experienced problems with my back.  No, I'm not making that up. Yes, I know that was young to be having back problems. I don't remember much about it. I'm pretty sure it was the summer between eighth grade and ninth but I could be wrong. I woke up in the middle of the night because I needed

I want to share my story because it's domestic violence awareness month. I'm going to start by saying that domestic violence comes in many forms: man against woman, woman against man, caregiver against child, child against caregiver, even sibling against sibling. While many of these situations are rarely brought up, there are still happening. I had a fairly violent childhood. You might even say extremely violent, I'm not sure to be honest. One of my earliest memories is from when I was three. I had broken my arm and was in the hospital. We lived in Germany because my dad was in the Army. Anyway, while I was in the hospital a man would come in every night and tip the foot of my bed up really high. I remember being so terrified of him but I don't remember what happened to him. I have vague memories of hiding under the table while my mother threw dishes at my dad. They're just small glimpses but they are there. When I was in first grade my mom's cousin cam

The Bible says a house divided against itself cannot stand. Whether you believe the Bible or not this is true and right now our nation is divided. It seems like few people can agree on anything and nothing is getting done. We've been divided for a long time but the longer we are divided the worse it gets and the harder we are going to fall. And make no mistake, if we keep going like this, we are going to fall; eventually. There's a huge debate going on right now. It's been going on for years. Every time there's a mass shooting we cry out for better gun control but gun control will only get us so far. There is a severe lack of empathy, compassion, kindness, and accountability in our society and in order for the violence to stop we need to address THESE things, too...gun control alone can't do this. I always read the comments section of any news article I read and basically on anything really...and the biggest trend I've found is that we're too busy poin

With the way things are going I've decided that it's time to update this one. I spent a lot of time working on it. As you can see, I'm still working on it. I’m not trying to cause fights, I’m really not, but I feel that this needs to be said, and since I haven’t seen many people saying it, I’m going to say it. You can even say I feel lead to say it.  I’ve always been a very shy person, afraid to give my opinion, but I've quickly overcome that. I have last year's election and Trump’s subsequent win to thank for that. I guess I found one good thing to come from that fiasco? I am a Christian. I have been my entire life. I honestly can’t remember a time when I didn’t believe in God. In elementary school I was an acolyte at the Methodist church my neighbor used to take me to every Sunday. In middle school I would hide in my room to avoid my mother’s verbal and emotional abuse. I would spend hours just reading and studying my Bible. My dad was a pastor and whe

Where has Kindness and Compassion Gone I originally wrote this right after the attack at the Manchester arena in May. I remember sitting there trying to wrap my mind around it and I couldn't. I really can't understand how a person can do something like that. How can a person feel so little regard for someone else's life? How can someone take another person's life so callously like that? We say it's more devastating because there were young children in there but I see the senseless murder of every life, regardless of age, as devastating, and I can't wrap my mind around it. I really can't! Murder is murder. Mass shootings, bombings, and the like are becoming almost a regular occurrence.. . how did we get here?  How did we, as a society, get to this place? Where did we go wrong? When did compassion get replaced by selfishness? We blame religion but it's not religion's fault. I believe with everything in me that there had to be something inside th

I know it's been a while, but I've been busy...and by busy I mean taking care of my kids, working, coloring, and reading a lot of fanfiction...I'm also reading a book by  Glennon Doyle Melton . It's called "Carry On, Warrior". You should check it out! I've also been spending a lot of time in my head...just thinking and processing...asking myself questions and trying to answer them.  The biggest question I've been asking myself? Who am I? I'm just one person out of hundreds of billions. There's really nothing special about me. I don't think I could be called attractive, I'm short, and I'm overweight. You can't call me rich, I don't even think I qualify as middle to low income. Even though I work 40 hours a week, I'm fairly sure I qualify as poor. Like I said, there's really nothing special about me. So who am I? I am a Christian. I am an Administrative Assistant. I am  a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a cou