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Thursday Thoughts - randomness at it's finest

As I said on monday, I want to get into the habit of writing at least a little bit each day. I spend too much time on mindless activities (like doomscrolling on social media platforms) and not enough time actually using my mind. I'm trying to get out of that habit... 

With that in mind I've set a timer today for 20 minutes just for writing. I don't really have anything in particular I want to speak about, so this I guess is just me doing stream of consciousness writing again. But that's better than nothing, right? It's using my mind to think... 

What should I write about? I'm not sure. I love the sound that birds make in the afternoon but I hate it in the morning. I love a gentle breeze with the sun shining down, but I hate a windstorm. I don't mind a gentle rain but I hate a thunderstorm. My favorite colors are green and purple but I also really like orange so I'm starting to wonder if maybe that's a favorite color, too? 

I suffer from depression. And I'm pretty sure I have OCD. I'm lonely. But I never do anything about it. I never go anywhere, I never do anything outside of working. Honestly? I feel like I'm living just to work. I know I'm not the only one who feels that way. 

Which brings me to something else I can think about... We hear it all the time; it's better to be alive than not to be alive. Really? And so many people are living just to survive? Sometimes that seems like that's the only point to life. We're here to make money for other people. And when you manage to find a way to enjoy life you hear things like "how dare you spend money on that? If you didn't spend your money on that you'd have more money!" When the truth is you wouldn't have more money because all that money goes to bills. And then into someone else's pocket. So if you didn't spend that money on yourself someone else would have more money but you still wouldn't...

Oh no! My thoughts are going in the wrong direction today. I don't want to think about stuff like this. It's stuff like this that results in me wanting to just go doomscroll on social media... I'm more of a stick of my head in the sand kind of person. I don't like to deal with the difficult parts of life. I'm pretty sure it's a coping mechanism because I have PTSD and cptsd from a lifetime of trauma and abuse... 

And that's another subject I don't really feel like talking about right now. Let's try to switch gears. We have a lot of birds around this new house that we just moved into and I find myself trying to guess what kind of birds they are. And then I find myself wondering if perhaps I want to get into bird watching...which leads me to wondering if that's something many people do as they get older? Do we all just start enjoying bird watching as we get old? Or is it just me? 

I think I'm done writing for the day. I think I'm going to go watch a movie. 


... until next time!
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